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The Birdwatcher’s Guide To Twitter

1. Horned Screamer

Horned Screamer

The Horned Screamer is a nocturnal species of waterfowl. They are most recognized for their aggressive mating call which can be heard best after a few drinks at the bar.

I NEED TO GET LAID THE SEXUAL TENSION IN MY LIFE IS TOO MUCH

3. Greater Roadrunner

Greater Roadrunner

This amazing bird just wants you to understand that it’s better than you. It doesn’t care if you don’t care… YOU SHOULD CARE.

Just wanna announce I ran 5.52 miles right now #IDontCareIfYouDontCare

5. Steamer Duck

Steamer Duck

Just fowl. We don’t need to hear about it.

Why can't I poop without my feet falling asleep.

7. Bald Eagle

Bald Eagle

The American Bald Eagle is able to survive on a diet rich in Carl’s Jr, Chevy Silverados, and Jeff Foxworthy. Don’t fuck with this bird. #Freedom #America #NoveltyMudFlaps.

I don't care who the fuck you are. George bush > obama. at least he actually loves America

9. Large-Billed Crow

Large-Billed Crow

You better count your lucky stars that you’re not within ass-kicking distance of this bird. The Large Billed Crow is a ruthless tweeter who would absolutely murder you in cold blood if only you were anywhere nearby. You can recognize this creature by its oversized beak and stupid profile photo - unfortunately - it’s one of the most difficult birds to locate as it spends most of its day hidden behind a firewall of shame

Honey you're so damn lucky I'm not in Ozona. I'm not a typical bitch, I will fuck you up 😘😘 #C'monBaby

11. Wandering Tattler

Wandering Tattler

While all the other birds are out doing important life shit, this particular species spends its time trolling around the nest. Don’t leave anything unattended for more than an hour or else the Wandering Tattler will RUIN EVERYTHING. Oh, what a lovely Breaking Bad egg you have there! Aaaaaaaaand spoiled.

omfg this episode of criminal minds is crazy like the child is actually the killer not the father holy shit

13. Grey-Crowned Babbler

Grey-Crowned Babbler

The Grey-Crowned Babbler is a loud and arrogant bird who thrives on attention because its best days are behind it. Any credibility this bird once had has been evaporated by a slew of embarrassing PR decisions. The only people who like this particular bird are the people who trade their gold for ca$h.

The TODAY Show should call me about who to put on the show— I know more about people who get ratings than anyone.

15. #PleaseStopBeingAwful

The Birdwatcher's Guide To Twitter
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