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If You’re Dating A Vampire You’re Doing It Wrong

1. Guys. Dating a vampire would be awful.

Guys. Dating a vampire would be awful.
Bob Mahoney/ The CW

Don’t be fooled by the sexiness. It’s a terrible decision.

2. Mackin’ it with literally any other paranormal critter is a better idea than getting it on with a vampire.

Mackin' it with literally any other paranormal critter is a better idea than getting it on with a vampire.
20th Century Fox / Via fanpop.com

3. Even, like, Swamp Thing. He’s a doctor, an environmentalist, super tall and entirely vegetarian.

Even, like, Swamp Thing. He's a doctor, an environmentalist, super tall and entirely vegetarian.
DC / Via dc.wikia.com

4. Swamp thing also absorbs sunlight, rather than catching on fire and dying immediately.

Swamp thing also absorbs sunlight, rather than catching on fire and dying immediately.

Or doing this.

5. Satyrs are the mythological sidekicks of Dionysus, Greek god of wine and partying, so they know how to have a good time.

If You're Dating A Vampire You're Doing It Wrong
Disney / Via creativeuncut.com

6. You know who can’t get drunk? Vampires.

You know who can't get drunk? Vampires.
Bruce Weber/Vanity Fair / Via vanityfair.com

Any dude who prefers a pint of your vein gravy to some merlot is no keeper.

7. Shapeshifters are awesome and can turn into anything you want.

If You're Dating A Vampire You're Doing It Wrong
20th Century Fox / Via powerlisting.wikia.com

8. Vampires are stuck with the same body forever. Warning: may result in an immortal zit.

Vampires are stuck with the same body forever. Warning: may result in an immortal zit.

Or neckbeard.

9. Ghosts are low-maintenance partners— they don’t need food, or water, or shirts.

Ghosts are low-maintenance partners— they don't need food, or water, or shirts.
Paramount Pictures / Via amny.com

10. And there’s plenty of ways to be intimate with a ghost that don’t involve bleeding out on your duvet.

If You're Dating A Vampire You're Doing It Wrong

11. Think of all the movies you could sneak into with the invisible man! All the awesome pranks you could pull together!

If You're Dating A Vampire You're Doing It Wrong

12. He photographs better than your vampire anyway.

He photographs better than your vampire anyway.

13. Mermaids require a bit more maintenance—like hanging out in the bathtub, and at the beach.

Mermaids require a bit more maintenance—like hanging out in the bathtub, and at the beach.
Touchstone Pictures / Via fanpop.com

14. Which beats hanging out in crypts and dungeons all the time.

Which beats hanging out in crypts and dungeons all the time.

15. At least a bridge troll owns real estate. Dateable.

At least a bridge troll owns real estate. Dateable.

16. Compare that to vampires, who, being legally dead and nocturnal, can’t hold down a job more ambitious than overnight stock boy. Or blogger.

Compare that to vampires, who, being legally dead and nocturnal, can't hold down a job more ambitious than overnight stock boy. Or blogger.

17. Most importantly, all of these creatures have one thing in common.

Most importantly, all of these creatures have one thing in common.

19. Won’t.

Won't.
HBO / Via hbo.com

20. Fucking.

Fucking.

22. You.

You.
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