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What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

1. So! You’re thinking about trying one of those “juice cleanses” everyone’s been chatting about.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

A juice cleanse or juice fast, if by some miracle you haven’t been exposed to the concept, is a diet wherein you consume JUICE AND ONLY JUICE for a period of time, usually a few days. Lots of companies offer pre-packaged sets of juices to make it simple for you.

This supposedly helps “detox” your body, encourages weight loss, and packs you so full of fruity nutrients and veggie vitamins that you become a magical being made of light and float away to a place in the sky where you shall never want for anything again.

2. The companies that sell cleanses are great at making you think you’ll feel like this:

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

3. You’ll just float along for days on a cloud of virtue and weightlessness!

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

4. You’ll have all of the energy, all of the time!

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

5. And it will all be delicious and wonderful!

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

6. But the reality is…a little different.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

7. By somewhere around your third juice, you will be SO. TIRED. OF. JUICE.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

8. It will actually become painful to drink.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

9. You won’t be able to get anything done because you have to pee every 20 minutes.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

Didn’t mention that, did they?

10. You’ll be exhausted. Because guess what you’re not allowed to drink?

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

RIP cawfee.

11. And bored, because guess what else you’re not allowed to drink?

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

Alcohol, i.e. the only reason any of us have friends.

12. And maybe a little dizzy, too!

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

A diet that’s all fluid and no salt is not only gross but can also really futz with your electrolyte levels.

13. Not to mention the obvious: It will feel like you’re starving.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

Mainly because you ARE.

14. Being constantly confronted by things you can’t have = chronically hangry.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

15. You’ll feel like this cat ALL THE TIME.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

Banana: so close and yet SO FAR.

16. And the thing you’ll miss more than the food itself is just CHEWING.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

On ANYTHING. At ALL.

17. As a result, you’ll be moody as all get-out.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

18. Which makes everyone around you uncomfortable.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

19. And your endlessly talking about how bad your cleanse is will only make it worse.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

20. By day three, desperation will set in.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

21. Your starved brain will start playing tricks on you.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

22. Your friends will be increasingly concerned.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

Rightly so.

23. And the worst part? It’s NOT EVEN WORTH IT.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

24. First of all, because juicing is crazy expensive.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

U GOT MONEY 2 BURN, BABY?

25. BluePrint charges $65 for ONE day’s worth of juice.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

That’s more than $10 per bottle. Guess what you can get for less than $65? Three full, healthy meals.

26. You’re paying a huge markup for someone to squish food for you and put it in a cute bottle.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

Which, in theory, you could just do yourself. But don’t even bother! BECAUSE…

27. Consuming food in juice form is NOT healthier than eating normally.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

From the Mayo Clinic’s website: “There’s no sound scientific evidence that extracted juices are healthier than the juice you get by eating the fruit or vegetable itself.”

28. In fact, it’s worse.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

Because juicing removes almost all the natural fiber in fruits and vegetables, and the fiber is a large part of why they’re healthy.

29. Your body needs a lot more than just sugar and vitamins to function.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

Which is why we don’t just survive on these. Juice — EVEN juice made out of kale or whatever — doesn’t contain any of the protein and fiber and fat that are essential to keep your systems running smoothly and prevent crazy sugar-induced energy swings.

30. The idea that juice can “detox” your body is a myth.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

Harvard epidemiologist Dr. Frank Sacks, via WebMD: “Your body is designed to remove toxins efficiently with organs such as the kidneys, liver, and colon. You don’t need detox diets, pills, or potions to help your body do its job.”

31. You probably won’t even lose weight.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

As with basically any crash diet, weight that comes off during the cleanse is going to be mainly water, and it won’t be gone for long.

32. Surviving on liquid for days means you’ll hit the junk food that much harder afterward.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

33. The only sustainable, healthy way to diet is to eat clean, sensible, REAL food.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

Think of it like this: Would you expect to get an education by reading one book over and over and over and over and over? No. You would read lots of different books. And maybe you’d still be dumb in the end, but hell, at least you wouldn’t die of boredom halfway through.

34. For the sake of your mental health, if nothing else.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

35. Because chances are, someone else pressured you into juicing to begin with.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

Apparently that’s a thing.

36. And you’re lying to yourself to get through it.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

No. Don’t give in. NEVER FORGET WHO YOU ARE.

37. Did you learn NOTHING from Mean Girls?

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

38. Don’t ever eat weird things that other people say will magically make you skinny.

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

39. Let’s face it: If you were following your heart, being true to YOU, a “cleanse” would look like this:

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

Ain’t nothing wrong with a little Nutella. Everybody eats a little Nutella.

40. So the next time someone asks if you want to juice with them, feel free to respond like so:

What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like
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