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Mark Wahlberg’s Campiest Sex Moments In “Fear”

1. This is a fantastically bad film called “Fear,” starring Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon.

This is a fantastically bad film called "Fear," starring Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon.

In the movie, Mark plays a kid from the super wrong side of the tracks who gets involved with a very young and naive Reese. They have some eye fucks, some sexy times, and then things get weird. And by weird, I mean Mark sleeps with Reese’s BFF, and tries to kill her whole family.

Even though there are a lot of “sexy” moments, they’re just a little too campy to pull off. You’ll see what I mean.

2. The roller coaster scene…

The roller coaster scene...

3. This is a moment when Reese and Marky Mark are on a date, or whatever, and he wipes his fingers across her lips before they go for a ride.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

That’s hot.

4. He also does this to her, which is, like, I can’t even handle.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

5. Then they get strapped in, safety first! Still hot.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

6. And then Marky Mark eye-effs the shit out of her.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

Get it gurrrl!

7. And Reese does this… (!!!)

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

8. And she’s like, “Oh hell yes.”

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

9. And he’s all, “Mmm hmm, I know girrr.”

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

10. And just in case you forgot: THEY ARE ON A ROLLER COASTER.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

11. A ROLLER COASTER.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

12. On a scale of one to campy, this is high. I mean, how does his hand stay there perfectly?!

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

13. Did I mention that The Sundays cover of “Wild Horses” is playing in the background?

Fantastic.

14. Then we move on to the virginity scene:

Then we move on to the virginity scene:

15. Here’s Reese, and she’s waking up because she’s just heard a noise or something.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

16. Oh, right, Mark Wahlberg broke into your bedroom and took all his clothes off. Not. Creepy. At. All.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

17. And then Mark just…goes for it.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

18. And Reese is like, “Yeah, OK, I’m not doing anything else anyways…”

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

19. Then there’s this aggressive kissing, which is oddly making me sweat.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

20. OK, losing your virginity hurts. But more importantly, shouldn’t they say a few sentences before boning? No? Just me? OK.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

All the same, I would still totally lose my V-card to Marky Mark. Just saying. Creepy or not.

21. Then things get slightly more…interesting…:

Then things get slightly more...interesting...:

22. Here’s Mark again, this time going solo. But what’s he doing to his chiseled chest…?

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

23. Oh, that’s right, he’s carving “Nicole 4 Eva” into it. Awesome.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

And yes, I do mean “4 Eva,” that’s how he spelled it.

24. Yeah, OK, that is legit insane. But also, look at how that water just sprays onto him so effortlessly.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

25. It’s beautiful, really.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

NICOLE 4 EVA!

26. The mall bathroom scene:

The mall bathroom scene:

27. This is when Mark has been forbidden to see Reese, so he follows her into a bathroom.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

28. And this happens…

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

29. He’s talking about her vagina, folks. While covering her mouth with his hand…

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

30. Still talking about her vagina.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

31. And just in case you forgot: THEY ARE IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM IN THE MALL.

Mark Wahlberg's Campiest Sex Moments In "Fear"

That lady is so confused! She just wanted to powder her nose, or whatever!

Anyone else slightly aroused or…? No? OK.

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