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Why Are People So Romantic About Baseballs?

Baseballs. I don’t know, guys.

Baseballs. I don't know, guys.

Image by Shannon Stapleton / Reuters

Sure, they’re cool and all: you can throw them; you can hit them; you can catch them with a Frankensteinian leather glove apparatus.

Sure, they're cool and all: you can throw them; you can hit them; you can catch them with a Frankensteinian leather glove apparatus.

Image by Rob Carr / Getty Images

But why are people SO romantic about baseballs?

But why are people SO romantic about baseballs?

Image by Bob Levey / Getty Images

That’s a pretty popular phrase. I think. “How Can You Not Be Romantic About Baseballs?” It’s from a film, or something. Maybe a Ken Burns documentary?

That's a pretty popular phrase. I think. "How Can You Not Be Romantic About Baseballs?" It's from a film, or something. Maybe a Ken Burns documentary?

Image by Carlos Osorio / AP

Whatever. Just, like — look at them. Are they really that romantic?

Whatever. Just, like — look at them. Are they really that romantic?

Image by Gregory Bull / AP

I’m not about to buy my girlfriend a baseball. I don’t even HAVE a girlfriend. (Thanks, Obaseball.)

I'm not about to buy my girlfriend a baseball. I don't even HAVE a girlfriend. (Thanks, Obaseball.)

Image by Steve Nesius / Reuters

Imagine buying your girlfriend or boyfriend a baseball. “Hey babe, I just got back from the Baseball Store. Baseballs, 20% off. As romantic as you can get.”

Imagine buying your girlfriend or boyfriend a baseball. "Hey babe, I just got back from the Baseball Store. Baseballs, 20% off. As romantic as you can get."

Image by Gregory Bull / AP

He/she would be like, “Shut your gd mouth, I’m watching Pretty Little Liars.”

He/she would be like, "Shut your gd mouth, I'm watching Pretty Little Liars ."

Image by Mark Duncan / AP

And then you’d take the baseball and set it on the walnut nightstand from Ikea, the Skůrgssss, hoping he/she’ll find it when he/she comes in for bed and then, inspired by your romanticism, will read to you from Milan Kundera.

And then you'd take the baseball and set it on the walnut nightstand from Ikea, the Skůrgssss, hoping he/she'll find it when he/she comes in for bed and then, inspired by your romanticism, will read to you from Milan Kundera.

Image by Carlos Osorio / AP

But you fall asleep before PLL is even over, and when you wake up the next morning, a copy of The Lovely Bones has knocked the baseball off the Skůrgssss.

But you fall asleep before PLL is even over, and when you wake up the next morning, a copy of The Lovely Bones has knocked the baseball off the Skůrgssss.

Image by J. Meric / Getty Images

You’re pretty sure your girlfriend/boyfriend would leave you for Alice Sebold, given the chance. That time when he/she was reading Alice Sebold’s book while you guys had sex — that’s when you got the idea.

You're pretty sure your girlfriend/boyfriend would leave you for Alice Sebold, given the chance. That time when he/she was reading Alice Sebold's book while you guys had sex — that's when you got the idea.

Image by Charlie Neibergall / AP

It just seems sort of arbitrary. Why “romantic”?

It just seems sort of arbitrary. Why "romantic"?

Image by Charlie Neibergall / AP

Why not “stoic”? “How can you not be stoic about baseballs?” makes more sense.

Why not "stoic"? "How can you not be stoic about baseballs?" makes more sense.

Image by Jerry Holt/Minneapolis Star Tribune/MCT

This picture fills me so full of stoicism that I might go and stare down a yak, just because it’s there.

This picture fills me so full of stoicism that I might go and stare down a yak, just because it's there.

Image by Jerry Holt/Minneapolis Star Tribune/MCT

Yak’s like, “OK bro, damn you stoic.”

Yak's like, "OK bro, damn you stoic."

Image by Ralph D. Freso / Reuters

And I’m like, deal with it, yak, it’s the gd baseballs.

And I'm like, deal with it, yak, it's the gd baseballs.

Image by Matt Slocum / AP

You’ve got to be stoic, because if you’re not, you might flinch when a baseball breaks your orbital bone.

You've got to be stoic, because if you're not, you might flinch when a baseball breaks your orbital bone.

Image by Charlie Riedel / AP

All the other kids are like, “omg, look at Kelvin, little Kelvy broke his orbital bone on a flying baseball and he’s trying to cry but he can’t because his face is all gnarly.”

All the other kids are like, "omg, look at Kelvin, little Kelvy broke his orbital bone on a flying baseball and he's trying to cry but he can't because his face is all gnarly."

Image by Matt Slocum / AP

“Sorry about your dumb face, Kelvin.”

"Sorry about your dumb face, Kelvin."

Image by Charlie Riedel / AP

This never happened to me.

This never happened to me.

Image by Chris O'Meara / AP

Anyway, screw baseballs, they’re just gross nuggets of leather and cork with ugly red stitching.

Anyway, screw baseballs, they're just gross nuggets of leather and cork with ugly red stitching.

Image by Chris O'Meara / AP

Wait, what? It’s not “baseballs”? Then what is it?

Wait, what? It's not "baseballs"? Then what is it?

Image by Charlie Neibergall / AP

Ohhhhh, it’s “How can you not be romantic about BASEBALL?”

Ohhhhh, it's "How can you not be romantic about BASEBALL?"

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

*disappears in a puff of smoke*

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