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THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES: Summer Reading List: PART 1

This is what I thought of my yearly English Teacher every time she forced us to READ over the summer from a list of books that looked lamer than.... something super lame.. Yea parents, like I'm super psyched to now be allowed to read from the bigger kids book list. I've been waiting all thru elementary school for this. BARF. 


BUT...

Lucky for you, I have put together a summer reading list of all of my favorite books so you can maybe actually read a book that doesn't suck and also look smart on the subway and will be well on your way to not end up a literary retard with no taste.

 If some one has ever asked you what their favorite book is and they're like.. "uhhh DaVinci Code?" You should red flag them immediately and be sure they have issues.  They need this list more than anyone. Anyone who thinks that the Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons or any other of the crack laced mystery disasters Dan Brown shoved in our unsuspecting faces is legit their favorite book needs serious counseling and then should prob go back to special school.

Or i should round them all up and they can all live together on a deserted Dan Brown island where they can entertain each other by discussing how all the books are essentially the same and the only reason they can actually stomach reading them at all is the short chapters.. There might be some other ppl on that island who also suffer from embarrassing summer reads such as the girl who set fire to a dragon.. or kicked a bees nest or whatever that series was.

1. A Confederacy of Dunces- John Kennedy Toole
Dude who wrote this amazing book killed himself soon after he wrote this. Such a travesty because, while sometimes the characters are annoying as shit, this book is one of the funniest, amazing books i['ve ever read.
 The book did win a pulitzer but I think it was after the author jumped to his death. God Dammit. imagine all the other wonderful books John Toole could have written.

My friend literally couldn't finish it because she was so annoyed by the main character..who disdains commercialism and modernity and is like obsessed w/ the middle ages and lives w/ his mother in somesort of demented pretend world he devises. Luckily I didn't have to stop reading the book bc of this character and actually thought he was fucking hillarious and Toole was a genius for thinking him up.. 

ANYWAY, THIS Book prob isn't for you if you want something a little lighter and get easily annoyed by obnoxious people.. but if you can get by that and see the deep rooted humor this book is verging on 100% genius.


2. Edie: An American Girl- Jean Stein and George Pimpleton

This is the biography of my girl. Here is what the New York Times said: 

The story of Edie Sedgwick, aristocratic socialite turned pop superstar, is not simply the story of one girl's tragic loss of innocence or one family's decline and disarray. It is also the story of what happened to this country during the 1960's and the consequences of those years when the past was disavowed and replaced by a hectic new gospel of sensuality and outrage - those years when it seemed like everything to be young and beautiful and free.



3. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn - Betty Smith

Honestly this book is really only on this list bc at the time i read it it was the longest book i had ever read and therefore it was super exciting and I was really proud of my accomplishment. 

Now I doubt it couldn't keep my interest very long now. It is very "Angela's Ashes-esque" which isn't really my style. I don't need to hear about how Irish ppl were oppressed and had drunken fathers and lived on a nickel a week. Go to the ghetto. Then pls write me an interesting relevant books. 

To keep this short and sweet this book is abt a poor Irish fam living in Brooklyn in the early 1910s and Critics like it.. THE END. 

4. Middle Sex- Jeffery Eugenides



THIS is one of my favorite books of all time of all time. I know I'll probably say that about most books in this list but this book really is possibly my #1. 

Incest and hermaphrodites only touch the tip of the awesomeness iceberg that is this book. It follows a family thru generations of generations all the way from civil war times in old time Greece to bootlegging in like Minnesota to 1960s haight ashbury. I also like it because it is long as fuck but not boring at all and Jeffrey Eugenides put in serious work to make the book historically accurate so you learn shit too!

Seriously just read it. you'll be smarter and a better person when youre done.





5. Valley of the Dolls- Jacqueline Susann 


Okay, I'm going to kinda eat my words here bc this might possibly be put into the beachtime reads category and my feelings for it might send me to the embarassing book island i mentioned earlier.. I'm mildly ashamed that I love it so much.. but whatever. I can't help it! I mean, look at my ex boyfriends. I can't help what I love!

The first time i read it i WAS on the beach and at every new thing that happened I would gasp and tell all my girls who were lying out w/ me abt everything that was going on.. much to their annoyance....

This is like literally the literary version of a soap opera.. with pills and New York and fashion and money and unrequitted love and decit, fake tits, bisexualism... like everything good. You will be less bored than you would be reading a fucking cosmo w. this book.



6. Lolita- Nabokov
 TThis book is way way too deep and complex to explain in a few sentences but its a must read for any one who wants to claim they know anything abt classic literature. (which is why I initially read it. because i must be a snob about everything.. ) 

 I've heard it been called the most beautiful and tragic love story ever to incestuous child pornography that should be banned. Basically it is about a middle aged professor who falls in love with his tenant's pre-pubescent daughter who is a little.. well, Lolita. A serious tease who owns it and is a little brat/bitch/badass. 

So then the drama starts: the tenant ends up marrying Lo's mom just to be close to Lo, kills her (arguably) , steals lo, ends up fucking her, they start a relationship and eventually.. well its a tragic love story.. i can't tell you everything. :)

There is a super awesome dramtic ending and is fairly tragic bc inreality no one gives a fuck about the heartbroken tenant... welcometo the real world! Stanley Cooper also made a movie that I love pretty much equally.. So maybe just check that out depending on the laziness of your summer. 







Okay.. SO:

contrary to popular belief I am NOT a heartless drama loving bitch although i feel like this post might disprove that.... nah fuck that. honestly, i'm trying to really really hard to change my ways and not be a drama queen looking for a fight. I mean, maybe that behaviour can be slowly weened out.. mostly I want to be a good friend..  --- but i've run into a fucking annoying problem with some needy skank ass ho that's making me want to scream.. loudly, like a psych patient scream.. like super loud like someone is going to die. 


So apparently, over the years I have collected some seriously attention hungry friends and recently their actions are forcing me to either a) cut them out b) have some sort of gay convo w. them abt how they are pissing the shit out of me and they need to back the hell off (I think this might be the most mature option.. sadly) or c) reach down to my inner heinous bitch and start a mother cat fight in retaliation.. or just for fun. I mean shiiit, I want to be a good friend but I have my own attempted-ly non lame life to live I really don't give a shit about this.. and  and just bc I hate confrontation why do I have to turn into a perceived ho? 

So I looked up some of the answers on dearcoquette.com and her main advice to ignore drama is to stay the fuck out of it.. regardless. Even if unnamed friend is being  totally irrational or a giant cunt. Okay, i know this is a total white girl problem but that sounds super hard.. but i'm actually going to try it. So I guess this is day 1. I totally don't want to be a cunt asshole but I honestly have no idea what to do short of having a heart to heart and i'm completely too proud for that shit right now.

FUCK.


Here are some dictionary words from Urban Dictionary.com


Attention Whore:


A pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: 
1.is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention 
2.interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior 
3.displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions 
4.consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self 
5.has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail 
6.shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion 
7.is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances 
8.considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are. 


 Drama Queen: 



An annoying bitch who always feels like every insignificant problem in her day is a disaster of Hurricane Katrina proportions. Anyone who so much as gives her the time of day is in for an endless session of hearing why her boyfriend is such an asshole or how she's fat because she can't wear size 0 jeans along with an all day crying marathon. 



This bitch aint shanking shit for me.. maybe one day i'll have a friend who wll shank some one in the kidney for me when we go to jail together for.. welll. i guess thats tbd. 

and enjoy this quiz titled "AM I A BITCH???" hahahaha pure class. 
xoxo
e



sorry music is boring today. but deal. plus its not that boring its actually pretty awesome. I'm just lazy right now. and there is sooooo much to tell. 


ANYWAY!!!!!

FIRST: 

Here's something that heterosexual males should probably know by heart... if there are any straight dies who read this.. girls: please educate your men immediately.. 

I was just talking w one of my best friends about how sad it is when men can't dress. fucking pick up a GQ or esquire and copy basically exactly.. wtf is their problem? Its so not okay.. 

for instance: please see below. YUM. 


anyway, i wasn't aware whether or not gentleman were a dying breed... I think men usually look up to Tom Ford.. at least they should, Jesus Christ!!!! (I love how I assume that bc I respect TF so much, that men will as well...) ugh, anyway... lets all hope this helps them. 

Tom Ford's five easy lessons in how to be a gentleman »

1. You should put on the best version of yourself when you go out in the world because that is a show of respect to the other people around you.

2. A gentleman today has to work. People who do not work are so boring and are usually bored. You have to be passionate, you have to be engaged and you have to be contributing to the world.

3. Manners are very important and actually knowing when things are appropriate. I always open doors for women, I carry their coat, I make sure that they’re walking on the inside of the street. Stand up when people arrive at and leave the dinner table.

4. Don’t be pretentious or racist or sexist or judge people by their background.

5. A man should never wear shorts in the city. Flip-flops and shorts in the city are never appropriate. Shorts should only be worn on the tennis court or on the beach.


Listen up. Tom Ford is giving away pure gold here. There’s nothing better than a gentleman. Number three is important. Mind you, it’s not about chivalry. It’s not about courtship and gender roles.. i'm sorry but i'm so sick of uncouth men who have absolutely no clue anyone exists besides themselves.

yea, you owrk on wall street or are a lawyer... go fuck yourself.  Altho Tom Ford is heartbreakingly gay that means he’s not trying to fuck me, he simply knows how to treat the opposite gender and understands the importance of manners. Um helluhhh???? Blame your mother fucking mammas boy if you are lacking in this category.. so listen... Fuck chivalry. Be a gentleman.


SECONDLY:

okay so kinda exciting news!!!

I’ve always loathed Facebook and over the past few months my hatred has gotten super intense and


unhealthy..... There was a time when it was a necessary evil but basically only for stalking purposes.. Exes, girls i feel competition towards, long lost loves.... plus dumb shit I write on my actual friends walls which they wont miss since I talk to them 5 times a day anyway. There was no more denying that my account was SIMPLY A vast collection of exes, one night stands, and random people from my distant past with whom I shared nothing but a hometown or an alma mater.
Uh.. i'm also totally tired of all the cursory acquaintanceship. plus its a fucking burden not worth the upkeep to keep my stupid profile looking like my life is completely fab to random onlookers I honestly dont even care abt.. plus second guessing every damn thing i paste is not nearly worth the potential embarrassment.

I'm gonna keep ranting.. 



I’ve have had enough of Zuckerberg’s hideous blue and white monster and while i'm on the subject I never saw that damn facebook movie but it looked like it was boring as fuck and I don't need to know about some gd Harvard loser who made millions on the lamest soul sucking shit on the Internet. And ppl liked it.. so even tho i didn't even give the movie a chance, that pissed me off too.  and now that it’s blown its mythological load with the big movie, I officially declare Facebook to be done and done.


Facebook has been little more than an irrelevant intrusion for the last couple years anyway, It was all a big chore, really — a gigantic time-suck that required constant scandal pruning once family members and potential employers had to become friends w/ me and started poking around. I imagine it is going to be downright fucking glorious to not have a clue what’s going on in the worlds of several hundred people who are not and never were anything close to “friends.”
Right now, I have no idea whether some girl I went to high school/college/had issues w/... is either married or pregnant AGAIN. I have will now have no idea what some random dude I fucked at (insert horrible one night stand locale..) is now super happy and made partner at his stupid law firm or whether or not my horrible ex is continuing to date a doll he picked out of the dumpster after,, well, we don't need to go into that story. it might take a while but hopefully i'll love not knowing.
In addition, my opinion was influenced by my deep respect for ppl i've been meeting recently who don't have facebook (i.e. they don't waste half of their night on.. well, everything i just mentioned.) 
No doubt i'll find some other completely pointless way to play around o the Internet... but well see.. If i keep posting shit i'll let you know how my mental state is w/o that shit.. 
SO... I’m out. 
I encourage every last one of you who know what I’m talking about to join me. If you’ve ever considered brushing aside that tangled web of bullshit, deactivate your account as well.
Start the trend. I promise, you won’t regret it. Fuck ‘em where they live. well, we will see how i fare. 
OH I also found a fucking gem on the Internet the other day while i was looking for sneakers to buy online. Here's a sneak preview: 

Read the whole blog here: http://textsfrombennett.tumblr.com/
its prob fake but it is still funny as shit so I'm not gonna be a hater. YAY ME.

okay time to go pick some flowers for mom and fgure out whatf i'm going to do today. 

First listen to this mix: It'll automatically make you calm and happy like a little clam. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.





OKAY SO HERE IS THE SHIT TO MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE APPARENTLY ALREADY KNOWN:

1. What’s important today won’t matter tomorrow


Yeah, so you got a problem. Sleep on it, sunshine. Put it off. Most problems can be safely ignored. You’ll be amazed how often they sort themselves out. And the gravity of any given problem is inversely proportional to the hour of the day. At three in the morning,  you’ve got an insurmountable issue. After four whisky and cokes at nine in the evening, you haven’t even got an inkling of a problem.

2. Everybody else is furiously improvising, so you can too

Show me an expert and I’ll show you a charlatan. FAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT and assume that basically everyone you talk to is faking something abt themselves.. I'm more than capable of faking it. HAHAHAHAHA



3. Nobody thinks about you as much as you think about you

Really. They don’t. For example, I’m not thinking about you now But I'm sure you are. (obviously....)

4. It’s OK to piss people off (yes!)

but not everyone or else you are a fucking asshole. yea, i need to work on that. 

5. Aspiration is for suckers

I guess just be happy w what you have everyday?? This sounds a little Suzie Home-Maker

6. Nobody tells all the truth, all the time

I think its like physically impossible or something.. So just lower your expectations of people. When put in a spot, people fib.. like 95% of the time. just don't let them know you are onto them.. that gets messy

7. Life doesn’t get better – only your perception of life improves

okay word on this one but I think i'm gonna have to think a bit more about it to really comprehend how to improve my perception of things... DUDE, NO JUDGING. shit gets hard.. 

8. You’re wrong as often as you’re right

so don't get all on your high horse when something goes your way bc something is probably abt to go wrong for you in 3...2...1... God, I love that theory.

Je Vous empris. 

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